Ten Dumb things people say to someone with cancer

An upbeat and humorous approach for how to help someone who has recently received the "Big C" diagnosis

Held at the Icelandic Cancer Association Wednesday May 14th 2008

Mary Schnack is a four-time uterine cancer survivor. She wrote this speech for a survivor's day event which was held after her second surgery and 5 ½ weeks of daily radiation treatments. Mary owns Mary Schnack Media Services, Inc., a public relations agency with offices in Los Angeles and Arizona.

1. At least you don't have to have chemo

--OK, how many lucky points do I get?

2. God doesn't give us more than we can handle

-Yes, and I've had a few stern conversations with him about this!!

3. My uncle had radiation and he never got sick

--So, does that make me a weak person that I'm getting sick?

4. At least you have a good kind of cancer

--OK, so how much will you pay me for it?

5. So you don't lose hair with radiation?

--only where you're radiated? (And I had pelvic radiation-so I love to see people's faces)

OR you mean you lose your hair EVERYWHERE?

6. Maybe now you will slow down and get rid of stress

--Yes, I'm sure the only reason I got cancer is just that I'm a bad person who doesn't deal with stress and doesn't correctly manage my life.

7. What's your prognosis?

-Actually, the same as yours

8. Oh, I'm sure it won't come back...

--do you have a direct pipeline to my body parts, my doctors or to God?

9. You look so good

---Thank you, but I don't necessarily recommend my weight loss program.

Now, before I go into #10, because that one is aimed at us survivors, let's digress one moment and go over what someone SHOULD say to a friend that has gotten a recent cancer diagnosis?

The answer is simple, it's "How are you? What can I do for you today?"

We all know that every day is different. Actually, I couldn't even focus on getting through one day at a time. It was more like one moment at a time. So just because I told you yesterday I was fine, and I probably was, doesn't mean I am today. On those days when we are fine, the best way to answer might be, "Today I am fine. But tomorrow, I don't know about. If I need your help in getting a prescription, driving me to treatment or getting some groceries, would you mind if I called you then?"

Now to #10. Drum roll please. Many of us have received, not only a GOOD prognosis, but a GREAT prognosis. After all, we ARE survivors. Yet, when we go through surgery and cancer treatment, it's not surprising that we have our melancholy moments, our moments when we're really scared.

So, #1, is something that perhaps we ask ourselves?

Will it make a difference to anybody if I die?

Hopefully, we have learned that that truly is the #1 "dumb" statement. The REAL question is: "Will it make a difference to anybody if I live?" And, I don't know about you, but my friends and family let me know the answer to that question is a resounding yes. They let me know on a daily basis by their countless get well cards, e-mails, phone calls, bouquets of flowers, and other "care" packages, such as creams and lotions, tea and cookies, pajamas, and jewelry. My 80-year-old parents came for two weeks from Iowa to help post-surgery. Friends flew to Sedona from Los Angeles and Illinois to help take care of me through the radiation treatments.

Most importantly, in reality, none of these sayings are "dumb," but only an uneducated way for people to reach out and show they care. They want to say something positive and hopeful...and we all know that that is better than saying nothing at all.

A few months after my surgery, my daughter asked to see the 12-inch scar running across my stomach from the surgery. Because she had seen it before, I was surprised when she gasped. "Will you have that scar forever mommy? I thought it would go away."

Yes, I'll have that physical scar forever. What I have to make sure of is that the scars inside, the mental and emotional ones, don't rule the rest of my life. I have to learn to breathe again, to make sure I do not hold my breath for...two years...three years...waiting to see if the cancer returns again.

I am breathing again. Besides, I'm too busy to hold my breathe. I have to call my friends and ask, "How are you today? What can I do for you?"

WHAT CANCER CANNOT DO

Cancer is so limited...

It cannot cripple love, it cannot shatter hope,
It cannot corrode faith, it cannot destroy peace.
It cannot kill friendship, it cannot suppress memories,
It cannot silence courage, it cannot invade the soul,
It cannot steal eternal life,
It cannot conquer the spirit.